Elisha’s Bones – a Jack Hawthorne novel, by Don Hoesel

I have just spent two days trying to read this book, Elisha’s Bones, by Don Hoesel, which had a promising premise, but I’m halfway through it and all I’ve had so far are his intense feelings about his past, his girlfriend, his dead brother, his getting back with his girlfriend, what restaurant they are going to and what they ate and the feelings between them.

His female character’s name is Esperanza which means hope, blah blah diddy blah (can you see how much the reader would be caring at this point?) and the main character’s name is Jack Hawthorne. A very manly, capable sort of name don’t you think?

You can just tell that these two main characters are rekindling the romance, blah blah blah. Which would be fine if this was a romance, but it isn’t.. it’s actually a suspense, mystery novel involving the bones of the Prophet Elisha which apparently have reviving properties if you’re dead. The main character’s employer, who has the same name as Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, needs the bones because and his granddaughter are both dying of cancer, the granddaughter has no name.

However Mr Reese who has paid the main man thousands of his moolah to find these bones begins to flounce as the two main characters get shot up on the road and are then held hostage for money. Mr ‘manly’ Hawthorne and Miss Hope then argue between them about owing people money, a side issue which the reader is supposed to find very amusing, but which is actually irrelevant to the storyline. Mr Hawthorne then calls Mr Reese and asks for the ransom money and Mr Reese says:

“No… because you haven’t found my bones”

… well d’uh.

So Hawthorne then calls Miss Hope’s brother for the money and they are rescued from a fate worse than death and somehow bond with their kidnapper because now he has the money and is all reasonable and ‘hey, here’s a lead for you.’ (Much rolling of the eyes at this point, and I am now half reading the book at the same time as watching an episode of Lewis on ITV3). Please don’t ask me why Miss Hope didn’t call her own brother and ask for money for their ransom, because I actually don’t know. In the book it implies that somehow Hawthorne knows her brother better than she does.

We are three quarters through the book at this stage and Mr Hawthorn has suddenly decided to go it alone… well, perhaps not so alone, Miss Hope is tagging along with him, all flirty one minute and all ‘You left me millions of years ago, I am furious with you’ the next. He feels duty bound to do this because his brother’s death is all wrapped up in the mystery, which apparently we are never going to solve this side of this century.

I would like to tell you the end, I would love to tell you that the bones of the prophet are found and miraculously restore all the sick people to life and as soon as I do I’ll let you know, if you’re all still alive and maybe if I still care.

My hint to the author, the premise was fabulous and the cover art instantly drew me in. I felt cheated once I started to read it, which just goes to show that you can’t judge a book by its’ cover or the blurb on the back.

Cover of "Elisha's Bones"

Cover of Elisha’s Bones

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